Talking about choices, each day everyday will affect how I will make a decision regarding my future. My family, my parent's health and other factors that still weigh in. I know my parents are not getting any younger. Sometimes, I forgot that I'm not the only one that is growing up. They are growing old. As much as I hate to say this, my father's health is not getting any better and I don't know if within this 4 years, he might could have retire from his job because of his health and age. Yes, I do want to go back to school and earn my degree but then again, I am the eldest and I have a bigger role to play in my family. Nothing beats dilemma like these. I keep telling myself that I should just continue with my studies and get a degree and after that, I am able to get a better job then start work after my service to the country. 4 year is a long time and 4 years, anything could happen. Sometimes, I'm afraid to play a bigger role in my family, maybe, I haven't grow up yet, maybe I'm still swimming in a shallow pool, maybe I'm afraid of commitments, maybe I'm afraid of not being able to make it out there, maybe I don't want to live the life that I have now, maybe I'm just afraid of the future, maybe, I'm not mature yet, maybe I can't think straight, maybe that's gay, maybe I should let nature take its course, maybe I should know what I want clearly, maybe I should wait and see, maybe I should not continue my studies, maybe I should be just like any under achieving people in Singapore, maybe that's what I need in this life, maybe not, maybe I should find a solution, maybe I should confide a mentor, maybe I should go for counselling, maybe if it's free, maybe I'm thinking too much, lately, maybe I should wait and see, maybe I should apply for another degree course, maybe a degree is not important as much as happy family, maybe I refuse to believe that, maybe hardwork and determination could beat a piece of paper, maybe that's true, then again, maybe not, maybe this is the life that God want's me to live, maybe again, I don't know, we don't know, maybe this is a test, maybe this is just a dream, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe I need to put my family first than myself, maybe that's life, maybe, maybe, maybe.
I walk to camp because I don't have a choice but I do have an option. You see, the only reason why I walk to camp is to save my money on my ez-link card or basically, the money spent to take a bus. Yes, I am living everyday saving every penny as I can because I don't have a choice but to serve this country, but I do have other options. I get paid a tiny sum of 'allowance', that's what they call it, because I don't have a choice, because I just choose an option in my early part of my national service. Choices is not the same as options. You might have a choice but your options are limited you see. You might have many options to take but there's only one choice to be made. Talking about choices, each day everyday will affect how I will make a decision regarding my future. My family, my parent's health and other factors that still weigh in. I know my parents are not getting any younger. Sometimes, I forgot that I'm not the only one that is growing up. They are growing old. As much as I hate to say this, my father's health is not getting any better and I don't know if within this 4 years, he might could have retire from his job because of his health and age. Yes, I do want to go back to school and earn my degree but then again, I am the eldest and I have a bigger role to play in my family. Nothing beats dilemma like these. I keep telling myself that I should just continue with my studies and get a degree and after that, I am able to get a better job then start work after my service to the country. 4 year is a long time and 4 years, anything could happen. Sometimes, I'm afraid to play a bigger role in my family, maybe, I haven't grow up yet, maybe I'm still swimming in a shallow pool, maybe I'm afraid of commitments, maybe I'm afraid of not being able to make it out there, maybe I don't want to live the life that I have now, maybe I'm just afraid of the future, maybe, I'm not mature yet, maybe I can't think straight, maybe that's gay, maybe I should let nature take its course, maybe I should know what I want clearly, maybe I should wait and see, maybe I should not continue my studies, maybe I should be just like any under achieving people in Singapore, maybe that's what I need in this life, maybe not, maybe I should find a solution, maybe I should confide a mentor, maybe I should go for counselling, maybe if it's free, maybe I'm thinking too much, lately, maybe I should wait and see, maybe I should apply for another degree course, maybe a degree is not important as much as happy family, maybe I refuse to believe that, maybe hardwork and determination could beat a piece of paper, maybe that's true, then again, maybe not, maybe this is the life that God want's me to live, maybe again, I don't know, we don't know, maybe this is a test, maybe this is just a dream, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe I need to put my family first than myself, maybe that's life, maybe, maybe, maybe. Problems come and go, how we deal with it shows how we roll. Take a fork and stab it, problems bleed like humans do, problems are solvable like equations do. Take a breather, take a step back, take a binocular, take a microscope, look things at a different perspective but not from the top of a building. I document this phase as new month starts tomorrow on the 1st of November 2012. 2 more months till the new year. Medication takes time to kick in, same as drugs do to fiends.
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Universal. Music is universal crap again? Hell no. Music is not universal, is political. Killing is universal, kidnapping is universal, bullying is universal, sex before marriage is universal and controversial, CARLY RAE JEPSEN is UNIVERSAL! So call me maybe! I have a timid heart and I know it. Limiting the things that I can do and achieve in this universe. No surprise as I grew up in a neighborhood where they sell crack cocaine at minimart. I got you right there! I refuse to believe that you can define a man by certain criteria. Like muscles for examples. You can't define a man by the things he went through in National Service. But you can define a man for his actions after he impregnate his partner. Not referring to the malays duh. I've tasted blood, I've tasted sweat but I have not tasted Wasabi before. They say it's too spicy that you will feel it on your nose or something. Anyway, I feel like I'm being unproductive. I need to start making more work soon. Monetary is an issue yes but it's not the primary issue like ideas are and relevancy to Singapore context. I want to be like Pitbull, to be Mr International, and I'm talking about on the mic. Are we really good to go? Mishap are inevitable, tear condoms are inevitable but being successful and poor is evitable. Walking down the grass field with a North Face bag is overrated. Looking at yourself in the mirror for 10 seconds everytime before you leave the toilet is underrated. Slowing down your pace when you're walking down the streets imessaging on your iphone is unprofessional. Flushing the toilet twice before you leave the cubicle is darn plain stupid. I think we are all general waste. I mean there are specific waste, which can be categorize by race, language or religion. But overall, we are all general waste, in a form of a human race. Think about it, we the citizens are general waste, if 2012 the movie really happens, we couldn't afford the ticket to the spaceship, let alone 2 tickets! Unless if you're a rich bastard. But the rich aren't bastards. It's a pity to work hard to be rich and to have people call you a bastard just because, you fall into the category. The Rich should be call Lionel Richie. Helllo.
I woke up today to the sound of my dream, my tangible dream. Yeah, I am talking about the whipped cream on my face when I do the moon walk to eternity in outer space. Remember to keep your pace in this rat race, either way you gonna lose you rat. Talking about Rat Race, I just got to say it, we are all in a rat race. It was just a few weeks ago, when I was running around the track and it started raining, and i asked myself, why in the hell am I running in the rain? But honestly, I was still running because I wasn't really tired yet and I still hope to win the rat race. Fat Hope, fat man scoop. One scoop of ice cream is all I don't need to feel great, I need 3. Anything with chocolate would be fine with me. As we are still in the topic of Rat Race, since you know you're in a rat race, be prepare, strap yourself with a briefcase full of money, a phone and a scoop, to scoop ice cream of course, and in desperate time, use it as a weapon. I don't feel that I'm far from other country. The world is getting so much smaller now. Maybe it's because the documentary on Discovery Channel and National Geographic Channel and TLC shows alot of these countries and their history. Our history is not important, it's useless. Sure, you can learn a thing or two, but that's why it's a history not a knowledge passed on to the current generation. Hate answering questions that I answered several weeks ago. Hate answering questions that I answered many times months ago. Hate answering calls in the morning asking about oil. These people is either suffering from memory loss or they just too ignorant for that shit. Now let me express myself through dancing. Food should be universal. Some food speaks French, some food shouts Italy! Some food speaks traditional, some food whisper yucks. A big boo to Tuna's and Sardines. They shouldn't even be alive right now! FTS. Some food speaks Chinese, some food oiled up like Malay's. Can all the malays stop taking drugs? Can you guys stop making trouble for yourself and your family? Look at the dustbin near you, be the dustbin and be great. We need more people like you. Goodnight and good luck with that syringe.
Em said words can be great, words can degrade and they can teach hate. How can one picture change the world? How can one middle finger can ruin relationships? How can one spoon kill a random guy randomizing pictures of Adriana Lima in trousers and a top? How can one become two without any addition or multiplication of the same opposite number? How can google googled my name in less than a second? Questions that are never answered are answered in a way how one should ask a questionable questions in a quest for blood and glory. As I sidetrack the subject and topic of Subjectivity, I object the cruel idea of abortion. Abort the mission right now or I will fly to space and abort it myself with a sledgehammer and a government of bodies of soldiers that never fight a real war but instead trained in a simulated area like Po. Tukang. Combat Engineers and Doctors couldn't fix the problem of a sick kid who lives in a mad city full of concrete jungles and fake jungles. Deforestation hurt me, internally, I'm lacking of inspiration to breathe and live my life to be great and infamous like Mobb Deep. Deforestation hurt me, internally, I said it twice, internally bleeding of ideas to power up my dream of whipped cream on my face when I do the moon walk to eternity in outer space. My outfit of the day is made up of genuine leather and a fake leather which I fought for, that makes me look tough and gay at the same time. How can you judge a person by his words and writings? Kendrick told me to build my own pyramid, write my own hieroglyphs and I want to paint my own wall with colors that haven't exist yet physically in this world. I'm waiting for my turn to face the music, a crime which I never did but was force to by a man name John Doe. Cholesterol and fats hurt me, externally shifting my shapes into a shapeshifter that I never know I'm capable of. This is not a movie, this is reality TV without cameras but God is the audience. Behind the scenes, I like to take short naps and laps around the track like I'm on top of my game which is kinda hard to maintain. Every word has a definition except for 'WAR'. Everyone deserve peace but no one wants to find a piece of paper to write their aspiration and dreams and hand it to their teacher.
I'm possessed by the thought of making my own ice cream. A mouthful of flavorful flavors bursting inside your mouth like fireworks in the sky at noon. Maybe it's a glitch to have fireworks in the day, but I would like to see that happen to cross out one line off my bucket list. Tear out this webpage and make a paper plane and throw it out the window of your 10th floor apartment and be a little bug. Wipe away your dried tears as they make you look old and weary and teary. I'm tired to accept the reality of being the protagonist of my own show, shoving away all the antagonist in harms way with my 3 weeks-trained-arm. I'm the director, the spectator and the main star, I'm just living my life making wishes underneath these shooting stars. I know they lost their way in the galaxy and I'm not talking about the shooting stars. Start a race at the finish line and end it with a loud bang of the handgun and start with a foul. I'm thinking straight before I got to sleep, drowsed by the drug call Power I took a few moments ago. A few pills won't hurt you,especially when you're seasoned to the seasoning in seaweeds at supermarket on the top shelves of the dried goods section. 24 hours a day is enough to make love, seek forgiveness, make a change, donate to charity, practice hydroponic, be a volunteer and write to the government on facebook to lower the prices of housing so birds can afford their own house. I'm not a bird but I can fly, a kite as high as the sky, is not the limit when you have NZT. How to write the next sentence is the question but I answered that with the construction of this sentence. See how I just did that with some repeated letters, yeah go back and read it twice. I write with no aim but I am not aimless, I just fired two men at my destination. The consequences are dire like fire, especially when you start playing with fire, liar, I just call your bluff, but this is not a game of cards, this is serious, this is much bigger than the elephant in the room, this is the Art of Words. Word. As I continue struggling to write a beautiful essay that contains all the right words and national service, my secret plan to become rich and famous have not been scrapped yet as that would be so absurd. Rich in calcium and protein is what I want my body to have and my pockets to be filled with rubber bands which was used to tie rolls of money which I withdraw from the ATM that now only allowed to withdraw 50 dollar notes. That sucks but a man got to withdraw if a man want to eat high quality cheese right. Living in reality as we are all doing it now while ignoring our future worries and plans is very dangerous not to the extend of chemically dangerous but in analogy yes. Buying a home compared to owning a plot of land is 2 different thing. You might know the answer to that but there's no questions to begin with. Now that is something right.
Damn, I sound so uncouth and yeah I learned that from a Lupe Fiasco song. As the words begin to formed sentences that begin to make sense, every word that comes after another word make a sentence longer and sometimes, they begin to make more sense or in some cases, they confused people like how I used to make cookies without a machine but by hand. As I drowned myself in the land of business suits and birthday suits, I skinny dip onto public transportation that will never teleport me to places fast but instead transform me into a tranny of many words and disguise. As I tapped my ezlink card into the faces of people of different walks of life, I realized I'm at a park full of greenery and brownies that looks hardened but delicious at the very last bite. I couldn't bring myself to bring a water bottle and a umbrella with me as that combination would make me look feminine. Even if it rains, i braced myself and pretend that my hair are waterproof and bulletproof as every drop of rainwater are recycled that were used to clean guns that were stained with bloods of the innocent child that refuse to do their homework. I realized that I couldn't drowned myself because that would be impossible as I'm in a baby pool so that first line of this paragraph is not accurate and false. Pick an option either Option A or B because the probability of you hitting the jackpot is slim and underweight so quit playing with numbers like you know them personally as acquaintance. As I alight from the bus of life, with a baggage full of sins and beautiful memories, I'm having trouble separating them by names because my tote bag only have one compartment that says Beautiful Memories of Sins. It's been a while I know, but been busy I'm not but a little taken away by a drug named alcohol. Don't be taken away by that last line because you know I don't drink but when I do, it's 500ml of water during water parade in the morning roll call inspected by my ops warrant officer by the name of which I can't disclosed due to personal reason and according to some act by some law which I did not break and I won't be entering the Detention Barack anytime soon. Phew.
Anyway, I'm finding it hard to find all the right words to write a kickass essay to impress the government to pay for my university fees which would really help with my studies. Hence, I'm writing multiple drafts and writing this blog to make my flow of words comes naturally like how I type this paragraph without or pressing less of the backspace button due to a spelling mistake or a grammatical error which I'm not suppose to make at this age and time but still do because I don't like to follow the rules in writing but I have to because its sounds much nicer and right. |
KamaruleNational Archives Of Kamarul Research Material
September 2019
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